I’ve been trying to avoid the elephant in the room, but it’s been ever more on my mind the more I get closer to the date.
Today was going to be perfect, I had a great post I wanted to get out and write on, something I was going to make sure was filled with every thought I had on the topic. It was going to be wise and beautiful and everything I wanted it to be.
And then I was reminded about an anniversary I never wanted to acquire in the first place.
I’m not one to talk about my personal life too much on this blog. It’s typically about writing and what I’ve learned from it in the past couple of years. The obvious lessons and the subtle ones. It’s about things that have changed my life and how I write, what my style is like and how I do what I do.
But today it’s about the fact that I’m too depressed to write much of anything. Originally, it was going to be about that, too, that I’ll be taking a bit of a break this week and coming back as soon as possible. I was afraid that taking a break was going to mess up my groove of posting so much, but this week… I need the time. I need to just be able to not have commitments, because it’s going to be difficult to keep them.
I’ll try and write as much as I can anyway; the depression shouldn’t last more than just the week. It’s like a heavy rock weighing me down right now, but I can keep on, it’s just hard to.
Suppose there’s something in that, though. I try to see something in all of what I experience, how it affects my writing, what perspective or view it gives differently. When you have a heavy anniversary coming up, particularly one from a familial death or a personal tragedy, there’s a lot that can go through your mind. The worst that you can do for yourself is bottling it up. Talk to someone. Write it out and send it to yourself, file it away in something private. Do something with it, don’t let it fester.
I figured that would be best, to talk about the event, but there’s that feeling that’s just telling me not to tell that story yet. So instead, I’ll just say it’s hard to handle. The first anniversary is the worst and the hardest, but I’ve gotten through all the other milestones of a year, holidays, birthdays. I know how to handle them now, but they’re going to suck.
If you read this, thank you. If you understand, thank you even more.
-The Novice Wordsmith