This month has been an enormous rollercoaster for me and I don’t like really any of it.
Thursday, I soared ahead, nabbing 5.2k words and going from 39k to 44k, and I could have done more that night, but instead I calmed my frenzy down and I did some yoga. The next day was alright, but not as good. The day after I didn’t even turn in a word count, and the following day I was just 100 words shy from 2k. Yesterday was 800 words and today I barely have written 50 so far.
This is how it goes every week. I struggle, and then I somehow break through and manage to get back to my normal self of soaring through the wordcount and just plowing into the story. The other week, I was restless all day up until about 9 at night, and then I forced myself to get with it and hit 2.5k by the end of it all.
I am frustrated. I have no idea why it’s this difficult for me, and looking back at last year, it’s a little upsetting. The minute that the validation for winning came up last year I was on top of it, and I won with minutes into midnight (of the 20th). This time last year, I was hedging 84-86k, and now I’m somewhere around 48k and trying to find some way to kick my ass into gear and win it already.
I’m trying not to let it rule me, but it’s hard. Comparing my progress is a bad habit I’ve done for years now, for better or worse, and this time it’s coming out as worse. I know this month is about daily writing more than it is about winning, but I have five more days and 2k left to win.
In a way, I’m just glad it’s going to be over so I can stop struggling. So I can stop doing incredibly one day and then sink to the bottom the next. I know there are excuses, but I’m not accepting them. I should be doing better. Just because I want to play games doesn’t mean I can’t do that and write at the same time. I’ve done it before.
Bah. I will finish this month, I will get through it, however I make that possible. I hope, if you’re also having trouble, that you know you can make it through, too.
-The Novice Wordsmith